Death can be beautiful

For plants and trees, autumn means death, or at least hibernation. I don’t see autumn as death; I see it as a glorious transformation from one phase to the next.

 

 

 

Faded memories no more

August 19, 2014

I’ve just reconnected with my dear friend Russ from 42 years ago. Little did he know what a gift he gave to me today.

ninaMy mother would have been 86 today, and I wish she were alive to see these old photos of me dancing my heart out with abandon, especially since I was ballet-trained and normally very disciplined. (These photos are stills taken from a very old film.)

 

She loved my dancing, supported and encouraged me, and she was there when I fell from grace.

Russ sent me a link to a dance recital from high school back in 1972. Memories of that night flooded back to me. Dance was my life, my breath, my soul. I went professional for one year before realizing the competition was too stiff and the pain too great. I came home from New York a little bit broken, but I knew I had made the right decision to quit. I continued dancing for years and now wonder why I don’t anymore.

Memories fade, what the body could do fades, the desire fades. After enough years, even the belief that one could do this—actually did do this—fades. I never felt good enough, always feared that I wouldn’t live up to expectations, knew that I didn’t have what it took to be a real dancer. Sometimes I wonder if it happened at all, was this person truly me?

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I have photographs of my “dance career”, but even they seem unreal, posed, photos in frames on the wall that became wallpaper that no one ever looked at anymore.

But seeing an actual film of myself dancing with movement, soul, grace, and (gulp, dare I say it?) some talent, I knew it was me and it was real. We can never go back to another time, the past is the past, it’s over and done. I’ll never be that young, lithe body again, I’ll never feel on top of the world again, dancing with such freedom or suspended en pointe holding an arabesque for endless seconds. That chapter is closed.

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And yet. Russ, you gave me back a part of my life today and made it live again inside of me. I can say with all honesty that I’m filled with joy for what had been. Seeing that chapter open for one moment has allowed me to close it once and for all without regrets. I am truly grateful for this gift of my past life, which I can now reintegrate into my present life emotionally, if not physically.

At her finest...

At her finest…

Mom, this is my gift to you today. You did well with your love, and these small moments are a tribute to you. Miss you so much.

So now we’re criminals

Living abroad (away from the U.S.) is taking a nasty turn. What was once living our dream in Italy is turning into “1984” for us and for the banking institutions that serve us. In its infinite wisdom, the U.S. government (specifically the  Departments of Treasury and Justice, and lawmakers in both houses of Congress) has become the watchdog of anyone living abroad who has a bank account.

We all know that millionaires and billionaires and corporations have been hiding money overseas for years. Fine, it’s time to go after the major tax cheats. I’m all for that. But with the law called FACTA (Foreign Accounts Tax Compliance Act) going into effect, the U.S. government is insisting on two things: One, that all U.S. citizens living abroad must report all details of foreign bank accounts and get taxed on them even though we pay taxes on them here; and two, that the banking institutions must comply with some very serious U.S. regulations. Or else. Where the “or else” is heavy, heavy fines and criminal charges, not just to the bank, but to the employees!! Talk about blackmail.

Can you imagine what would happen if Germany or France or Norway or South Africa tried to do this to the American banking industry? They would laugh in their faces.

Let me repeat. I am all for wiping out corruption and getting gazillionaires to pay their taxes. But this law is not affecting only them. In fact, it probably won’t hurt them much at all; they’ll still find ways to hide their money. No, this law is affecting the 99% (sound familiar?) of us who live abroad and have to have a bank account in the town where we live.

This compliance regime is so serious that a number of banks have decided they won’t do it. Sounds brave, right? Nope. What it means is they’re simply telling their American citizen clients that they can no longer bank or invest with their institution, and they’re canceling accounts. How the hell can you live without having a bank account? Even an online one. They’re also subject to this, so please don’t comment with “Why don’t you just get an online account?”

I have nothing to hide and I dutifully report our foreign back accounts. What irks me is that this form used to be called FBAR (Foreign Bank Account Report). Now they’ve changed the name to FinCEN (Financial Crimes Enforcement Network). Isn’t that sweet? We’re now potential financial criminals in the eyes of the U.S. government just for having a checking account in a local bank. Welcome to the 21st century of bullying, surveillance, paranoia and fear.

 

 

Daily Prompt: Ingredients

What’s the one ingredient I can’t do without and why?

Olive oil. Because it’s the essence—soul, spirit, nature, heart—of life.

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Weekly photo challenge: Object

Which object? Only the shadow knows.

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Weekly Photo Challenge: Window

A little late on this post. A window on a cat’s desire…

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Weekly photo challenge: Beginning

‘Beginning’ can evoke emotional and powerful feelings…but sometimes a beginning is…well, not quite what we thought it would be?

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Breathing again

The greatest gift this birthday was the full moon, which brought my mother to me in its silvery light. I’m breathing again three years after her death; this is the first birthday I’ve wanted to celebrate since then. It’s just like her to know this and send the full moon to me.

P1010978Two years ago, I posted a piece about the gifts she had given to me on various birthdays (My birthday gift to you). This one tops the charts, for it’s the gift of getting my life back without the black hole that became my heart for too long. Life does go on with its pains and losses, joys and discoveries, and above all, with all the richness of color and living things that surround us if we take the time to look.

To breathe again is to take in the world and realize that this most precious thing we call life has been given to us…not to waste or rage against or try to obliterate. My birthday wish this year is the hope that the millions of people who don’t even come close to having what I have will be able to breathe one day and start to live.

Dawn | Early bird

Dawn. 6:00 AM flight.

From my kitchen window, sipping a cappuccino. Glad I didn’t have to be on that early bird! For the daily prompt.

Early bird trail

Weekly Photo Challenge: One shot–two ways

Statuesque views, more or less, of the Montone countryside.